Bringing Sex Toys into the Bedroom -- ep 19

In this episode of Intimacy Evolution, Brianna & Mark talk about sex toys! 
Brianna shares from her experience of 14 years of selling sex products to teach the basics of sexual education and how to incorporate sex toys into the bedroom - for a more pleasurable experience for all. Do you want to know how to use sex toys to enhance sexual pleasure?

In this episode you will learn: 

• The process of female arousal
•  The importance of vibration not only for arousal, but in helping with relaxation of vaginal muscles for conditions like vaginismus.
•  The positive impact of sex toys on desire and arousal & connection to self & a partner. 

Join us for our free webinar all about staying connected through the holidays! Thursday, December 18th at 7pm CST

Connect with Bri:
Instagram: @_brianna_carey_

Connect with Mark:
Instagram: @mark_carey_

Website: IntimacyEvolution.com

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Transcript

[00:00:01]
Hello. Welcome to intimacy. Evolution.

[00:00:11]
That freaked me out because I'm used to being on top and I cannot see you did not see my recording show up. Well, that was fun. Anyhow, so backstory. We unhooked our recording stuff and whatnot, and we hooked it back in. The wires for each mic got crossed.

[00:00:37]
And so I am now number one as number one on top. And you have changed positions. You know, that is yeah, I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about that today. Sure. Anyhow.

[00:00:58]
Hi, Mark. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

[00:01:02]
Good. You look pretty. Thanks.

[00:01:06]
So what are we talking about today? Yeah, I'm excited for today, for this episode. Okay, give it to me. You're really funny.

[00:01:18]
In all my years of doing direct sales, doing in home parties with women, I would always get the question, can I record this for my partner? And before you start getting all weird about it, like, what are you guys doing at those parties? What are you recording? Audio recording. Audio recording of the information I was sharing at my parties because I am very passionate about sexual health and education and informing on bodies and everything like that.

[00:01:55]
And so what women know of themselves, it's hard to convey that to a male partner because we are just biologically different. And so when I would share this information at my parties, they would be like, can you please record this? So my partner understands it's not just me. This is all women, essentially. And the problem is that some of this stuff is just like basic sexual education that we don't get.

[00:02:29]
We don't get exactly. Because we don't talk about it. We talk about STIs and how to prevent it and don't have sex abstinence. Because that works so well. Exactly.

[00:02:39]
Yeah. Anyways, so box. Okay, we'll get off of that. Let me shift gears. So basically today we're going to be talking about Sex 101 and inviting sex toys into the bedroom.

[00:02:59]
Come on in. We'll lure them right in. Wine and dine and I don't know anyhow so yeah, that is kind of what I'm thinking. I was thinking about just a funny video that a real we could make having dinner with our six toy. I don't know.

[00:03:23]
And then it's like, well, you don't take your six toy to dinner except a couple of them you do wearable. Yes, wearable toys. Sure do. So I've heard.

[00:03:36]
I love that.

[00:03:41]
So where should we get started here? Because basically I had this thought that I'm like, I can basically do this presentation that I've done for 14 years on our podcast. Basically. Here it is, just for you. I've recorded it.

[00:03:59]
The thing I've been requested to do for years, I am delivering. Is there anything that's coming up for you before we delve into that from the male perspective or is there anything that you hear either when you're doing therapy or just talking to other men about relationships and sex and things like that that come up well. I mean, there's a big correlation between openness and this topic for a man. Typically the more open, the more open the communication, the more open the person is, the more likely they're to be like, yeah, let's do this thing. Let's bring sex toys into the bedroom.

[00:04:43]
And so I think our struggle is reaching the people that can benefit from this because you can put out a thousand parenting books and you know who's going to read it. People that strive and probably already kind of understand the information and will probably be pretty good parents anyways. How do we reach the people that would benefit the most from this information? Because I know at least half of our audience is like, oh yeah, we do that, no problem there. Yeah.

[00:05:25]
But as we continue and having new listeners and things like that, there is a lot of information because I think our last one we talked about how this is our everyday. We're so used to these conversations that when I would do parties and stuff I would realize there's still people that just don't know women that don't understand their bodies because we're not taught that it's okay to explore our bodies. There's a lot of shame, whether it's religion, family, society, whatever around selfpleasure exploration, masturbation, all the things, right. And if you don't know yourself, you can't communicate that to your partner. Yeah, that's so basically we're going to just start from the beginning.

[00:06:18]
Men and women completely different. Obviously we know that, right. Men, when they are physically aroused, they get their erection, they think about something, they react to it. It's a cyclical thing. You push the button, it's on.

[00:06:36]
You push the button on the microwave and it turns on mostly. Right? Okay. With women we are a two part system.

[00:06:49]
It's libido which is mental, and arousal, which is physical. They don't always think up. Sometimes the stars need to align just right for things to work out. And by that I mean patience. There needs to be patience.

[00:07:11]
It takes women about 25 minutes to be physically prepared to have an orgasm. A lot of times that time like we don't have that time. Especially if you have kids, you have difference in work schedules. With your partner it might be ten minutes. Well, and then if you think about the average length of time that a couple people typically have sex seven minutes.

[00:07:38]
Which is seven minutes. If you're not doing seven actually, yeah. If you're not doing things for preparation, the foreplay and all that stuff, the likelihood that somebody that the female will get to orgasm is highly unlikely. Especially since 85% of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. Women are not well, can be learned to an extent.

[00:08:17]
There's a lot more anatomy lessons that I'm wanting to go into. But you're not going to be able to get the context without a visual representation. She's moving her hands about making all kinds of gestures and representation. Yes. The clitoris is a magical thing.

[00:08:33]
It's sole purpose is to provide pleasure. So we only see it's like an iceberg. You only see the tip of it, the external part. When the clitoral hood retracts during arousal. Just the tip.

[00:08:45]
Right. But the clitoral legs actually are what straddle either side of the volva. So on the internal part on each side of the labia right. So you have the clitoral lakes and then actually the back of the clitoris is what we would call the G spot that's on the inside of the vaginal wall. There's a lot of stuff there.

[00:09:10]
Wasn't going to go that deep. Google images don't know what you'll get, but you'll probably find what you can reach out if you want. Yeah. Diagram. Okay.

[00:09:23]
So again, women are to this two part system. A lot of things are happening physiologically for women during this time. So when a female starts to mentally get aroused, they see their partner. Maybe there is some like they smelled their cologne or their body wash or their pheromones because they just got done working out or sweating out and doing yard work or something. They're like, oh, okay.

[00:09:52]
Or watching some thirst traps on TikTok, whatever it may be, or outlander or yeah, whatever. I could go into a bunch. Okay, ladies understand that.

[00:10:11]
So when mentally she is allowed to go there and start having some mental arousal. There's a lot of things going on physically that need to take place. So blood starts to go to the genitals, starts to engorge that area, making them more sensitive to sensation. The clitoris is getting an erection. The labia is starting to swell.

[00:10:36]
The vaginal lubrication can start kicking in. Maybe we'll go into that more later too. This happens during the arousal process. There's an elevation of the cervix and the uterus. And then there's this thing called vaginal tenting where the vaginal walls are expanding the first two thirds of the vagina in order to receive penetration.

[00:11:03]
If you're just saying, hey, let's do it, trying to stick it in like nothing's happening. Maybe just pain. Right, so that is exactly right. Women can experience a lot of pain because they're not prepared. Muscular tension also and all this other stuff.

[00:11:21]
Yeah. So I want to circle back to the vaginal lubrication. This only happens during the arousal process if it's even allowed to. And by that I mean there are hormonal changes. It can be dependent on what part of the menstrual cycle a woman is in.

[00:11:43]
It can be reflected on medication. I was going to say that. Yeah, a lot of diabetic medication. Antidepressants. Yeah, well, and also that's where I was going to go this time of the year, it's coming into cold and season.

[00:12:05]
And so anais means the use of that is going to go up and it dries out mucus, but it dries out everything else too. Yeah, not just your nasal mucus, it's vaginal membranes as well.

[00:12:17]
And since it is only during the first during the arousal process, if you are with a partner that has a penis, they are very absorbent. They absorb 80% of that moisture created within the first five minutes. And we just said that sex is five to seven minutes. So women, if you've ever vulva owners, if you've ever had this sensation when you go to the bathroom afterwards PS. Always go to the bathroom after sex to clear out any bacteria from the urethra.

[00:12:48]
If you have a burning sensation after, those are microscopic tears around the vaginal opening because it did not have enough lubrication to protect the tissues. And those can lead to different bacteria and things like that. Trips to the doctor. Over time, it can build up scar tissue because every time something tears and repairs, you get scar tissue. And then that can lead to dissented decision over time as well, which isn't fun.

[00:13:20]
So it's a whole host of things. So use lubrication during sex always. Doesn't matter if you feel very lubricated exactly, keep using it. Exactly. Use it.

[00:13:34]
It's enjoyable for both partners. Some things to look at and a good lubricant is make sure it's PH balanced for women, because whether it's your fingers, your partners fingers, a toy or a penis that goes into the vagina that disrupts your PH. And again, you're going to have this whole cycle of different vaginal things that can happen. So something that is PH balanced, something that water based or a blend of water in silicone, I'm going somewhere else with that. And then I forgot.

[00:14:10]
Okay, one thing that I hear a lot from couples or women is that lubricant is very sticky. It starts to get really tacky in the middle. It doesn't feel good or it's too thick that you can't feel anything. And that's not what it should be like. Lubricant should enhance the sensation.

[00:14:32]
So finding something that is very thin and mimics your natural lubrication and please do not use Ky, do not use Astroglide. A lot of overthecounter stuff actually have very harmful chemicals in them, like acetone. Like, ladies, we don't want to be sticking acetone in our vaginas. Okay? Also tip for women, you can take your own lubricant to your women's wellness exam.

[00:15:01]
You don't have to use theirs because then you just feel it goopy and dripping out of you for like the entire day and it's so uncomfortable. So you can say, I brought my own lube, thank you so much. And they can use us. So advocate for yourself.

[00:15:18]
Yeah. So all of that to say it's a complex process. It is. And again, we're not taught this. And so women start to internalize that there is something wrong with them because they can't have an orgasm with vaginal penetration or they're not ready to go, ready to go when their partner is, or I'm just not that into it.

[00:15:41]
And that's what I hear a lot, and that's where this stems from, is I'm just not into it. No, you are. Once you get into it, you say, oh, it felt great. It just a longer process, and that's okay. We have to honor that and give our self grace and have a partner that is patient with us and willing to go on that journey, because it's about the pleasure and the experience and the connectedness.

[00:16:07]
It is not about P and the V ending in orgasm. A little bit about that for some of them, yes. But it's not how quick you can get to the destination. No. Because if guys, you want to get quick to the destination, go take care of it yourself, because I imagine you're very quick at that.

[00:16:25]
I'm sure there's been a lot of practice, years of practice. Yeah. Very efficient. Yeah. That's fine.

[00:16:32]
So that to say, toys are a great tool for the bedroom. They are not something like, you're not in competition. It is not to replace anyone. It's not to hurt anybody's feelings. Okay.

[00:16:54]
Women, you are not needy for requiring a little extra attention, because, again, we've already talked about why that's important. Right. And so I feel like I'm going on a rant. I don't want to go on a rant. I'm just sitting back, letting you do your thing.

[00:17:13]
Yeah. So with toys, I like this analogy where sex is like ice cream. It's enjoyable. You love it. Right?

[00:17:25]
It's great. But sometimes it's nice to spruce it up a little bit. I like going and getting a Reese's Peanut Butter Blizzard every now and then, or I like just adding some chocolate sauce yeah. Or whatever. Ice cream on brownies.

[00:17:44]
My face so good. It's great to have a variety. And so toys can be just that one. The vibration can help women get through that arousal period a little bit sooner, so it can help in ten to 15 minutes instead of the 25 minutes because it's getting the blood circulation to the genitals quicker. There's a lot more sensation going on.

[00:18:12]
And also, when it is vagina penis partnership, there's not a lot of clitoral stimulation happening there. And so having a nice bullet or vibrator that can add to that experience is enjoyable for both partners, too. Yeah. And, you know, one of the big things I think about is the importance of vibration in people that might have vaginal pain, because what happens when you get a massage, right? It relaxes your muscles.

[00:18:53]
Vibration is often like a massage, and so get those muscles relaxed so that, yes, intercourse can happen. I love that you brought that up. Yeah. Vaginasmus just coming to mind is the involuntary spasms of the vaginal muscles. And so if there's been any sort of experience of, you know, birth or trauma or just highly anxious or just a variety or if there's been any sort of accidents or injuries around the hip, pelvic area, anything can cause this to happen.

[00:19:36]
And so this is definitely something I recommend for pregnant and postpartum moms, especially postpartum. To get reacquainted with yourself, invite that massage, maybe starting with just like your first two fingers and lightly massaging around the vaginal opening massaging the labia, getting your body used to that sensation again and then using some vibration to help with that and relaxing those muscles for sure. And again, communicate how you're feeling with your partner. If it hurts, tell them. Don't just try to power through it because you think that they need to have sex.

[00:20:19]
Like that's not good for both partners. That would not be open and honest communication there.

[00:20:31]
Yeah, I had something else but now I forget that's. Alright to kind of talk about how many people have sex toys in the bedroom. Yeah, I mean, I know the average that toys a woman owns is like a five. Yeah, people who have them have many of them. Yeah.

[00:20:57]
What is it like 68% or something like that? Depending on yeah, depending on the location or the research and how open the people were or number of variables, somewhere between, let's say 70% to 85% is pretty typical. So there's a lot of people that have them. Some use them with partners, some just only use them with themselves. And there's no right or wrong there.

[00:21:25]
But what the research says is the positive impact that it has on desire over time, arousal process is easier, better.

[00:21:43]
I'm looking for other words there, but of course you already talked about lubrication. The likelihood of orgasm jumps way up when sex toys are present. The pain, the possibility or the amount of pain if somebody does experience pain usually goes down. And so we have a number of really positive benefits as well as just overall sexual satisfaction and function goes up. So there's a lot that associated with having more variety of sensations present.

[00:22:24]
I mean, we have multiple pairs of shoes, right? You don't wear the same clothes every single day. You got a variety there like why not? A little bit. Yeah, that's totally a you thing.

[00:22:38]
Don't you start this. Use the same tool to fix all the things. Well, screwdriver, there's a Flathead, there's a Phillips. You have she's naming tools. OK, we need to stop here and take it a step back and you're going to hear golf with the same club.

[00:23:02]
I don't golf. Shoot the same guns. You like to have a variety, don't you? I'm not coming at you, I'm just saying. Okay, are you done?

[00:23:11]
Because that went somewhere that I was not even talking about. So you're barking down the wrong tree. Up the wrong tree there. So anyways, all I was saying was I don't find pleasure in clothes as much as some would. And we're talking about pleasure, not the usefulness of a tool.

[00:23:36]
I mean, but we are kind of also but are we in the same conversation a lot of times when I have to fix things with the tool? It's not pleasurable, it just has to be done. And orgasms don't just have to be done. No, we want them to be pleasurable. Anyway, we're way off topic here.

[00:23:58]
Let's bring it back. Sure. So the point is, orgasms not necessarily the end all, be all the pleasure. Getting there is important. Or the connection.

[00:24:12]
The connection. The pleasure in general. But if orgasm is desired, the more sensations we can add, the more prime the brain is. The neural connections for that to actually occur.

[00:24:30]
Essentially, we're kind of through all the sensations we're talking about, if the person likes nipple stimulation, if they like a number of other things, we want to make an experience where we can get all those sensations active going because that just increases the neural activity in the brain.

[00:24:55]
I think we've talked about this before, creating that connection between the pleasure with the neural nerves anyway. Yeah. Neural pathways. Yeah. The more you enjoy, the more you want to have.

[00:25:14]
Right. Yeah. It takes us back to a desired discrepancy. But anyway yeah, exactly. What are the reasons people don't use sex toys?

[00:25:26]
That's always an interesting topic. Yeah. Some reasoning that I've heard over the years is a lot of times it's the male partner that doesn't want them because maybe there's a fear that they're not good enough, they're not doing their job or that they're being replaced. If you use that, then you're not even going to need me anymore. Which is not true.

[00:25:56]
Yeah. There's a number of things I can think about that are also on that line.

[00:26:06]
Concerns about yeah, it's all ego driven insecurities. And I think that comes back to just not being educated about them. Right. Like just not having this education about bodies, pleasure, sexuality in general. Yeah.

[00:26:25]
Not understanding. That's definitely part of it. What we keep saying is you are responsible for your own pleasure, but we haven't been taught how to explore our pleasure. And so I feel like the narrative that men hear a lot is, oh, you can't make her come, then you're not doing your job. If she's using a toy, like you're not a man.

[00:26:54]
Yeah. What I hear, and that's far from the truth. Yeah. That's some immature masculinity BS going on there. But anyways yeah, we won't dig in.

[00:27:07]
There can also be some shame as far as like what was taught from family perspective, religion perspective, society. Like masturbation is dirty, don't do that.

[00:27:24]
Sex is only for your husband, for you to procreate things that you want to go down that path. Yeah. Or what if somebody finds it embarrassment type of shame and that type of thing.

[00:27:44]
There's a lot I would also say one of the big ones is people not prioritizing themselves in their own pleasure.

[00:27:55]
Sometimes society says that, and we've talked about this, that the patriarchal societal norms and all this other stuff, women are a priority and their pleasure is a priority. And so let's make that happen. So I think that's something that happens quite often as well. Yeah. And ultimately, I was looking at some statistics, and one of the reasons that people might not use them, their response was, I don't need one.

[00:28:34]
You're right, you may not need one. But I mean, half the things we have in our life we don't need. We don't need, but we want it. And so the question is, yeah, you're right, you don't need one. But would you want one?

[00:28:50]
How would that work for you? Would it be good? What could we get from it? It's not necessary.

[00:29:03]
Go ahead. No, I will not. Now I really want to hear what you're going to say. I don't want to distract you from your thought. No, I'm going to a different thought.

[00:29:11]
So you're not distracting at this point. Let's hear it. She said no.

[00:29:19]
Okay. You keep that to yourself.

[00:29:23]
So how come I'm not replaced by a sex toy? Because it's an inanimate object without feeling.

[00:29:37]
I like the connection I have with you and our experience. I didn't know I was I know I kind of sprung that on you, but because I wanted your honest response. Did I pass? I have no judgment. I already know these things.

[00:29:59]
Yeah. It's you. You're my partner, my person, like who I am connected to, who because of our years together and our communication, you know, my body. And I can also express to you different things that I might want.

[00:30:23]
Yes. I can't talk to my toy. I mean, I can. You can? I mean, it won't respond if it does.

[00:30:30]
We got some problems. I don't know. Hey, I mean, that is talk about sex text and all this other stuff, but we won't go down that road. Oh, we won't? Okay.

[00:30:43]
Yeah. And I think there's something special about the skin to skin contact, the physical contact. Why does a bunch of research tout the importance of babies being born and having skin to skin and all this other stuff? Because as human beings, we get so much from that. So I think that's another important relief.

[00:31:07]
Yeah. The cuddle hormone.

[00:31:11]
Good stuff there. Yeah, so it is good stuff. I love a good cuddle.

[00:31:20]
Well, how do we round this out? What else you got on there? I don't have anything else on my notes. Yeah, just understanding. Right.

[00:31:31]
Like we understand the difference between men and women, but knowing that there is a physiological reason why you can't just look at her, give her a smack on the ass and say, hey, baby, are you ready to go? Because just because you are, that is not I've been lied to my whole life, you know, and so if you are wanting to, it comes back to being intentional and creating an enjoyable experience for each other. Right. And speaking her language, in a sense, helped to free up some stuff so she's not stressing about all whatever. I explain.

[00:32:19]
Women's brains is like a web browser. There are 25 tabs open all the time and there's music playing in the background. You have no idea where that came from. And sometimes you can't shut it down. Only 25 tabs?

[00:32:34]
I have more than that on my computer. I am bad with tabs, I will admit that anyway. So I don't know where it's going with that. If she's thinking about dinner and laundry and kids activities and this and that, again, it comes back to having your weekly check ins, seeing how you can divvy up stuff and support each other so she's not overthinking. And create an experience to allow her to get to that point of pleasure and enjoyment and the connectedness.

[00:33:15]
That's all I got. Yeah. And sex toys in the bedroom. Yeah. And start exploring.

[00:33:21]
If you have questions, reach out to us. That is what I have done for 14 years, is helping women and couples explore sex toys and which ones are good for them. And I can offer a lot of suggestions and guidance in that realm if that is something you're wanting to look into. And I think it's just interesting to circle back to our episode about how to build a sex room. Right?

[00:33:46]
Like it's starting to become more go check that out. See, you know, if you haven't already, see some stuff on there that she shares. Like what? Have the conversation. And I think maybe we didn't talk about that.

[00:34:01]
Please don't do that. Have the conversation with each other before you do it. Right? What kind of stimulation would you like? What would you look on websites?

[00:34:11]
Go to a toy shop together and look at the variety and see, like, what would we like? What would be enjoyable? And again, it just comes down to like, talking and openness, you know, not shutting somebody down completely. Because again, then that starts to trigger and they're like, okay, I'm not safe to talk about that. Oh, that's an interesting one.

[00:34:38]
Can you tell me why this interests you? Or what about this intrigues you? Right? Like that's? What are you giving me a look for?

[00:34:49]
It's not that. Okay, it's a joke, but it's not a great one. But yeah, if you are new to toys, talk about it. Just talk about it. What would you like?

[00:35:06]
And then baby steps. There you go. So, yeah, hopefully this was helpful. Learn something new.

[00:35:18]
All right, until next time or need anything, you can always reach out to us. We'll see you next time. Alrighty, bye.